Sunday, 28 June 2015

He was always such a nice boy -so kind to his mother...



I’m Norman, everyone calls me Norman.

No, that’s not my sporting equipment, someone left it here, I’m more of an online gaming kind of guy. You can get a lot of injuries in sports.

I have my own apartment–kind of- in the basement of a house. It’s my mom’s house actually, but it works out well, I shovel the snow, and mow the lawn and do the grocery shopping.  Mom cooks and cleans and does the laundry. It’s not weird or anything like that, she just knows how I like my underwear, and pyjamas folded so its way easier to have her do it.  We’re real homebodies, we play scrabble and watch television. We love the Church programs on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I make popcorn and we will watch a movie - if there is something wholesome on that Mom wants to see.

Yeah, I’m single. Mom doesn’t really like me dating. She jokes and says I’m too special for anyone but her! I brought a girl home once, but she had to leave really quickly after dinner. Not sure exactly what happened, I was spooning ice-cream into bowls for the three of us, and the next thing I knew, she was gone! Mom said that she just got up and left. She never returned my phone calls either. I think I saw her at the library once, but it was only from the back and she was kind of running in the other direction so it may not have been her.

That’s my dog, Ragamuffin, and my cat Ragamuffin. They were really good pets. They both died a few years ago. I was teaching myself taxidermy at the time, for a hobby, and decided that they would be my first project. I really enjoyed working with them a lot. So quiet and pliable – once the rigor mortis wore off. Sometimes I find myself petting them and talking to them, I really miss them. I’ve even put out catnip and bones for them to enjoy. I like pretending they are still alive, I guess I just hate saying goodbye…

Mom got really sick a few years ago, and I was really lonely then…. But then, well, I guess you could say she recovered? She’s doing really well now – she has colour in her cheeks, and she’s really…. animated, I guess is the best way to put it. Almost totally back to normal. I just have to watch out for moth infestations.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

77% of accidents occur in the home....


What’s all that screaming about? Stop shrieking!! Kids, goddammit! Be quiet, I can’t hear myself think!
How many times do I have to tell you - no sports in the house! Go play on the road! 
 It’s no wonder I spend as much time as I do at the mall, between the soccer balls hitting the wall, the hockey pucks slamming against the doors and your fathers table saw making a godawful racket sawing through who knows what, it’s enough to drive a person crazy. What is he making out there?? That damn thing is so godawful loud. Sounds like he’s cutting through bone! 
God – you go out shopping for a few hours and you come back to a house in bedlam! Complete and utter chaos!
And look at this place – it’s a frigging mess!! Equipment laying around everywhere, it looks like the house has been ransacked!! Why is everything knocked off the counter? And the bookshelf? What the hell have you all been doing? It’s those damn hockey sticks I bet, knocking pictures off the wall!
And what is all over the floor, it’s as sticky as hell! Is that mud?? Red clay??!!! Who used the nice guest towels to wipe that red clay mud off themselves?  I will find out, and you will be grounded! I’ve told you all that those towels are for GUESTS ONLY! This mud is tracked from your fathers workshop all through the house!!!! Who did this!!!!
It’s all over the walls! Who was spraying this all over the damn walls???
Where is your father??
Honestly – he really needs to try and keep it together when I’m out. I go shopping with friends and it’s like he loses his head!